Golden Touch Craps

Today I am going to the doctor for my annual physical. AP is going for hers too. It is 7:23AM Eastern time right now, and my appointment is for 9:30AM.

I hate to go for this because:

1. I have a blood test that always comes back with the same results - my cholesterol is way too high (one year it was 600 - yes, that is right, 600 and I was 50 pounds lighter then).

2. My triglycerides are too high. One year they were 1,700.

3. My blood pressure is too high (it was 235/111 last August; now down to 130/86 with three medications and swimming).

And, finally, the worst indignity on the planet short of nuclear war, my doctor (a very pretty 53-year old woman) has to put her finger up my you-know-what.

I switched to her because she is short, with small, thin fingers and my beautiful wife uses her both as her gynecologist and as her family doctor (she is both). My previous doctor was 6'5" and when I turned 50 he held up his hand and put a latex glove on it and said, "You know what I have to do now?'

His hand was the size of those hands you can buy at the sporting events - the giant ones with the index finger pointing upwards. He was going to stick that up my you-know-what! So I said, "Not today," and I immediately dumped him as my doctor and switched to AP's.

The woman is a great doctor but I just don't want to do this exam... in one hour and 58 minutes. AP says I am a baby, that she has to have the same thing done to her and that a woman's exam is far more intrusive in all ways than a man's. Just like a woman to complain! They should take it up with God not with me.

My you-know-what is pre-sore in anticipation and my arm hurts in advance from the needle that hasn't been stuck in it yet.

I'm a mess.